Are You Tired of Measuring Up to Others and Not Getting Your Needs Met! Part 2
You Are Wounded
Seventh, You are wounded and have a broken heart. You’ve been shamed out of talking about your problems. Therefore, you’re still being affected by them.
Eighth, you are tired. In order to make it in a shame-based relationships system, you had to acquire certain skills or become an expert at a certain role that was conducive to survival. Maybe your way of surviving was to pretend that things really didn’t matter that much. But, now you cannot get past the feeling of hopelessness or apathy that makes it hard to get motivated.
The following traits deal with how to relate to others some of these could relate to you:
One, you are unaware of personal “boundaries”. Boundaries are those invisible barriers that tell others where they stop and where you begin. People who have been shamed don’t know they have the right to set personal boundaries. Shame-based relationships system (relationships that communicate condemning messages) have told them that they’re selfish to have private limits. Aggressively abusive people may have crossed your boundaries without permission.
You were not allowed to say No. It has been “okay” for people to control your life because they were your parents, spouse, leader, a male or some other person that supposedly had “the right.”
Two, You have incredible “radar.” When you grow up in a place where the main preoccupation is external behavior and how things look, you become an expert at noticing how things look. Since it’s been your job to keep everyone satisfied or at peace (except yourself), you’ve become an expert at reading people’s nonverbal signals.
Three, You feel as if you don’t belong. When you come into a room full of people you feel lonely, as if no one knows or cares that you’re there.
Four, You can’t tell what normal is. When you live in a world of unwritten rules, the emphasis is placed on appearances and not on the underlying truth or realty of the situation. You behave as if you are normal, without having a sound basis for making that decision. You live in a world that you created all your own, a world of what life would be if…. Maybe you’ve been surprised at times by the fact that every family in the whole world doesn’t do things the way your family did.
Difficulty Trusting People
Fifth, You have a difficulty trusting people. Trust is a confidence in the fact that you’re not going to be hurt by someone. But you’ve been hurt so much; relationships that were supposed to be the safest were the least safe. Those who were to protect you were the perpetrators.
Sixth, You are afraid of being deserted. In many families and churches, people are not available emotionally, spiritually, or even physically. Where you grew up, closeness was nonexistent. Relationships were full of strings, and you couldn’t count on anyone.
You’re secretly terrified that you’ll be abandoned.
Do you do this?:
One, A person in shame causes you to receive words, external circumstances and events, and the way others treat you as an indictment – a judgment that you aren’t good enough as a person. You interpret words and actions to mean more than what they really mean; in other words, you assume people see you as a lesser person. Example, Your child misbehaving translates; I’m a lousy parent,” making a mistake translates: “I am less of a person,” Your parents being upset translates “I’m a failure as their child,” etc.
Negative Self Talk
Two, You use a lot of negative “self-talk.” Whenever your performance doesn’t measure up to the standard, you speak to yourself like the prosecuting attorney in a case in which you are also the defendant! Such as what’s wrong with me? How could I be so stupid? It doesn’t matter what I feel or nobody cares what happens to me, etc. Satan is your accuser and will accuse you to make you feel guilt and shame. Guilt and shame does not come from God.
Three, you don’t allow yourself to make mistakes (or admit them). When you been taught that performance is the way to be valuable and acceptable, mistakes bring shame. They document imperfection. God never intended you to be perfect but to have peace. Being in perfection and performance through drivenness will never allow you to have peace with self or with others.
Fourth, You are over responsible. If there’s a problem, you must have caused it (even if you’re not sure how). If there’s a crisis ,you’re supposed to solve it. It is your job to make sure everyone else is happy, that no one is disappointed, that their needs are met, and that the whole world is at peace. Then you are at peace, but if you are not able to solve it, then you are out of peace and have a lot of tension in your body. Over a period of time, your immune system is compromised because of the tension and stress to strive to have peace by making everyone happy. That is a false burden bearing. It is not your responsibility to make everyone happy but somewhere through your thoughts or someone made you feel that way that it was your job to make everyone happy or you will be punished with the silent treatment.
Fifth, you martyr your own needs. Your shame-grid tells you that needing something means you are being selfish. You interpret neediness to mean that you’re not adequate for every task. You can express a need only if you’re really suffering. Otherwise, tough it out. If this is true, realize it is a lie from the enemy telling you this.
Sixth, You don’t trust your “radar.” You’ve learned to think that you are the problem for thinking there is a problem! The information you gather is filtered by your shame-grid. It can’t be really that bad, it must be me.
Setting Up Healthy Boundaries
Seventh, You set up inappropriate boundaries. Coming from a shaming environment you lack a sense of having a right to your own boundaries, as well as lacking opportunities to practice setting up personal boundaries. The result you allow people who are close to you to continue to hurt you but you lack the ability to protect yourself from those who are hurtful. With a lack of healthy boundaries, you are a target of continued shame and guilt and being driven out of fear.
Eighth, you act like a victim. People with a history of relationships that have given them a sense of shame often become victims in later-life relationships because of the deeply ingrained message that they are “defective.”
Ninth, you tend to “code” when you communicate. You make it hard for people to confront you, because you don’t say what you mean outright. Such as you live with unwritten rules like “it’s selfish to have needs.” Someone who really wanted to get his needs met, he said, “Oh, you don’t have to go through all of that trouble for me.” This translates, “if you really want to please me, you’ll do it!”
Tenth, You suffer a lot of stress-related illness coming out of drivenness through perfection and performance. This is just the end result of the process of trying to live a “perfect’ life. Being perfect is hard work. The shame history has left you with many skills that help you avoid problems, but without the skills you need to face and solve problems.
Eleventh, you can’t have guilt-free fun. In your book, fun is a waste of valuable time. You could do something “meaningful.” Most likely, your childhood was stolen from you. You might have had alcoholic parents and you were a protector of one of those parents and also their confidant to all the family secrets. Meaning you had to grow up taking care of everyone and working hard to have peace by making everyone else happy. The bottom line you could not handle if someone was not happy with you or if there was a fight, you went into self accusation or self blame for the problem in the home. Somewhere, one of the parents, or relatives made you feel responsible for the problem and so you took all problems to be your problem or your fault and did everything to make everyone happy out of fear of rejection and fear of feeling guilt that the enemy put on you.
Twelve, you act in ways that seem contradictory. For a period of time you’re the perfectionist, then you become a slob, and you couldn’t care less. You try hard, then give up. In part, this has to do with energy level.
Thirteen, you can’t deal with gifts very well. First, you cannot receive gifts. If you receive a gift, it attacks your shame-grid, which reminds you that you don’t deserve a gift, or makes you suspect that I must really want something in return. There must be a string attached. Second, you can’t give gifts. You must be careful that you don’t’ give away too much without keeping track, always making sure people notice, or pay you back, third, you will be a big giver to everyone around you but you don’t expect anything in return cause you feel you do not deserve it.
Get good teaching about the bride of Christ and the Bridegroom. See International House of Prayer Free Teachings by Mike Bickle.
Tired of Measuring Up:
by: Traci Morin
Servant and Ordained Minister of the Gospel of Jesus Christ
Touch of God Healing Ministries (a healing and deliverance ministry located in Dallas, Texas). If you live in the Dallas area, come to Set Free Bible Study and start your journey of healing!
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