Are You Tired of Measuring Up to Others and Tired of the Guilt and Shame From Others Trying to Measure Up to Their Expectations?
Are you tired of trying to be accepted? Shame Based Relationships are toxic relationships
Thirteen, you sabotage your own success. At the same time that you are seeking the acceptance of others, the way someone who’s dying searches for water in the desert – when you finally get it, it collides against every deeply ingrained message of shame.
Fourteen, you procrastinate. Projects that are completed can be scrutinized, even criticized. They open up the possibility for shame. Projects that are in a constant state of being unfinished carry a built-in excuse.
Fifteen, you are possessive in relationships. Relationships are so difficult for you to develop and maintain that you are afraid of being deserted once you form a relationship with someone.
Sixteen, you have a high need for control. Since your sense of well-being and security is based on externals, you’re preoccupied with the status of things and the behavior of people.
What’s wrong with me! Nothing. You are a normal person that has been wounded. There is hope.
The spiritual root is fear of being rejected and you will do anything through drivenness and performance to not get that feeling of rejection but it does not work because of the shame base system.
Shame based relationships “code” when they talk:
Triangling – Dad wants child to clean garage mom codes the child to be less hurtful. She tells child “It would be nice if you’d clean out the garage. Child ignores the coded message, or promises to do it later Mom codes the child’s response to make it more palatable. It doesn’t get done and mom tells dad to make it more palatable “He misunderstood – don’t be upset. Much of the time and energy in the relationship was decoding messages and trying not to upset dad.
Shame based families are idolatrous and are toxic relationships:
Idolatry can mean to turn to a source other than God to meet your needs. God is the only one who can fill that need and the good news is He loves you the way you are. You do not have to perform but abide in His love.
Example of can’t win rule! Using grandma’s bread stuffing? If you tell Grandma that you’d prefer not to eat her stuffing because it would run your holiday. Grandma will feel like a less-special human being, then the truth is, grandma measures her value and identity from her cooking and people’s opinion which is a pour source of value and a form of idolatry because the source of grandma’s worth and identity is God and not from others.
Do you get your value through others?
Shame-based relationships (system of code) have a hard time with kids: : (check what applies to you and rate 100, 75, 50, 25%)
The rules that govern this system are mostly unspoken, and almost impossible to live up to the standards. You never know where you stand. Everything has the potential to bring on a sense of shame. Everything had to be perfect.
· Watch what you say, _______
· you must walk on eggs, _______
· take everything seriously, _______
· watch your P’s and Q’s, act you age, ______
· don’t laugh too hard at jokes, _______
· don’t make too much noise, _______
· don’t talk at the table, ______
· don’t have to much fun when playing, ______
They had to be miniature adults and got shamed a lot.
Shame based relationships are preoccupied with fault and blame:
We make wise and unwise decisions and choices and we need to take responsibility for our actions. A shame-based system are indict people on the bases of behavior. Fault and blame are the issues, not responsibility. Fault and blame are the issues, not responsibility. In short, shame-based systems burn up a lot of energy in self-defense, and in asking. “Who’s responsible?”. The question is not raised for the purpose of healing the guilty party face the consequences – much less so that forgiveness can be extended. They need someone to blame so that they don’t feel bad. Shame-based systems overreact to the choices of their members. You can never perform well enough, and you can never be sorry enough when you don’t perform.
Shame-based relationships (is a systems) are strong on “head skills”:
People in shame-based relationships live basically in a defensive mode. Shame hurts. It cuts to the heart. Therefore, people must become experts at “self-defense’ techniques to protect themselves against shaming messages. These include: denying the existence of problems or rationalizing them away, blaming others and becoming a good debater.
Shame-based systems are weak on “heart skills”:
The only feelings allowed in a shame-based system are those which can be justified or understood. Emotions must be thought, not felt. If you can’t explain the feeling, then it must not exist. Experiencing or expressing certain emotions such as sadness, hurt, loneliness, or humiliation is viewed as an indication of weakness or defectiveness. All efforts by members of the system to fix or change those feelings only shame a person for feeling that way and “causing” so much upset.
People in shame-based relationships think that if they can understand why they feel the way they do, then the feeling will go away. They get stuck carrying a lot of heavy emotions and are never able to resolve them.
Compliments, compassion and empathy are reserved for those outside the system. Did you ever bring friends home and your friends were complimented on their interest and hobbies but your performance was criticized or ignored? ________ or other siblings were complimented but you were not? ________
People in shame-based relationshps systems only look as if their needs are met. They have a sense that they are: : (check what applies to you and rate 100, 75, 50, 25%)
· Not loved and accepted (not even lovable or acceptable) ______
· Only loved and accepted if, when, or because they perform ______
· Not capable, valuable, or worthwhile ______
· Very alone, not really belonging anywhere, to anything, or with anyone ______
The person feels as though love and acceptance are something to be earned. The person feels empty and disconnected on the inside with the appearance of fullness on the outside.
Do you feel like you spend your life feeling as though you’re not good enough, living according to performance, never measuring up and allowing wondering when you’re going to start living and being happy? _________. (The reason so many people or you do no feel fully alive, or that part of them is dead inside, is that they have not been fully awakened to life. But life is here to be had and enjoyed freely.)
Get good teaching about the bride of Christ and the Bridegroom. See International House of Prayer Free Teachings by Mike Bickle.
Tired of Measuring Up:
by: Traci Morin
Servant and Ordained Minister of the Gospel of Jesus Christ
Touch of God Healing Ministries (a healing and deliverance ministry located in Dallas, Texas). If you live in the Dallas area, come to Set Free Bible Study and start your journey of healing!
If you are not saved, please look to get saved because time is short.
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