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Are You Tired of Measuring up to Everyone Elses Expectations and Still Not Feeling Loved?
Run Over by Shame
Personal Behavior – meaning – people make choices for which they are ultimately responsible. In system that are performance-oriented, missing the mark always brings on shame. Consequently, the transgressor will carry shame for behaviors long singe past, whether or not they can be categorized as sin. In a society or circle where any unacceptable behavior is shamed, the offender becomes an expert at heaping shame upon himself. In the final analysis, no one else even needs to add to it because he/she is already self-condemned.
Addictions – meaning – addiction is simply the end of a course of action designed to fill inner spiritual emptiness with something that can’t fill it. It is the result of an attempt to meet inner needs with external substances or activities. It can be anything.
The “Cant-talk” rule is the primary mode of operation where there is addiction. When a person attempts to meet his needs through a “negative’ addiction (alcohol, drugs, sex, food gambling), family and friends are shamed to take notice. When a person tries to meet his needs through a “positive” addiction (work, ministry, a friendship,”), those trying to help are shamed for questioning because the course being pursued here is, on the surface, desirable and “acceptable.” The one who confronts this kind of problem is treated as petty, unreasonable, unspiritual, oversensitive, jealous, selfish or critical.
Unfortunately, a sense of failure and shame transfers to those who would like to help. Usually, they try harder. At some point, it becomes easier for them to continue investing more emotion and energy to “recover” their loved one than to let go of what they’ve already invested.
Abusiveness – meaning – is when Person A uses his/her power or his/her position and authority to force Person B to perform in order to meet the needs of Person A. Abuse can be subtle and sometimes more damaging form of abuse. When a parent uses his/her authority or power solely to control a child to act in a way that meets the inner need of the parent, it is abuse. It is abuse whether they control through the use of violence, a loud voice, threats, manipulation, culture, or Bible verses.
Control is the main issue for these abusers: they attempt to control another, while neglecting to control themselves. Psycho-emotional abuse is, in some ways, more damaging than physical abuse. Wounds to the heart are deeper and invisible to others. Verbal abuse, the most easily recognized form of psycho-emotional abuse, includes name-calling, put-downs, comparing to others, raising the voice and threats.
The message abuse, in whatever form, is extremely shaming. All abuse is a violation of the inner boundary of another. An inner boundary is an invisible line inside, which, when crossed, violates a sense of well-being or worth.
The bottom-line message of all forms of abuse is: “Your needs don’t matter. Your feelings don’t’ matter. What you think doesn’t matter. You are defective and you are the problem”. Do you believe this statement is true?
· Have you ever been abuse sexually? ______
· Have you ever been hit by family members such as parents, siblings? ______
· Have you ever been or felt shamed by parents? ______
· Have you ever been or felt shame by siblings? ______
· Have you ever been manipulated by guilt and shame to do something for them? _____ if yes how
When someone manipulates you to do something, does it make you feel:
worthless? _________ lack of love ________ is it a way you receive love by giving into the guilt/shame? _______, do you feel better about yourself when you give into the guilt? ______, does it make you feel more shameful? _____, less shameful? ______, do you feel shame when you are thinking not giving into the manipulation? _______, do you recognize the shame feeling as manipulation of the other person? ______, do you give into the manipulation of guilt/shame most of the time ______ some of the time ______ part of the time? ______, do you feel defective and powerless to prevent this from happening (manipulation)? ______, do you feel responsible abuse because of your lack of performance? ______.
I feel as Though It’s Never Enough:
The effects of shame. There are five integral characters who provide the energy for both the “give-up “ side and the “try-hard” side of this cycle. First is the outside source, delivering shaming messages about the person. Second are he messages that shame, third, mind of the person who looks at himself as defective and shamed, fourth, is the person’s result behavior, fifth, cheerleader, other people involved in the person’s life who shouts messages to him from the sidelines. _______ explain:
Outside Source: Some people come from parent, child relationships that were overtly shaming. Like name calling, comparing, put-downs, favoritism, perfectionism, sideways communication, shaming rules and rejection.
Outside source shaming are from abusive children, men or women dates, teachers, the church, etc. Such as being teased by peers. Performance based religion shames people for struggling, asking, doubting, feeling, or resting – and for not complying reading, giving, attending, or doing. For some, its to avoid the church all together.
The Message of Shame: When the messages are wounding, the person ends to read them like his: “Soemthing’s wrong with me; I’m a bad person; I can’t do anything right; I’m defective, inadequate, selfish, incompetent, worthless, crazy, stupid, in the way; I’m an embarrassment, a mistake, a pest.
The Mind:
Belief System
The mind begins with the belief system, or what is referred to as the “shame-grid.” This means that you have a belief system or mindset that perpetuates shame. First, you accept the outside source as a reliable, legitimate place from which to find out about yourself. Giving power for others to shame you. Second, you accept that what I’m saying about you – through words, actions, or our relationship – is actually he truth. Third, you believe that someone as bad as you deserves to feel bad and deserves to be punished. You become judge and jury and find yourself condemning in the courtroom of your mind. After years, the pattern has become natural for you. You never question its validity. You accept the message as truth.
Get good teaching about the bride of Christ and the Bridegroom. See International House of Prayer Free Teachings by Mike Bickle.
Tired of Measuring Up:
You are Fearfully and Wonderfully Made
by: Traci Morin
Servant and Ordained Minister of the Gospel of Jesus Christ
Touch of God Healing Ministries (a healing and deliverance ministry located in Dallas, Texas). If you live in the Dallas area, come to Set Free Bible Study and start your journey of healing!
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If you are not saved, please look to get saved because time is short.
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